You don't know how beautiful you are

I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 23:46:18 GMT

I'm so angry and so hurt.
You get rid of her and I'm the first person
you call. And then it's back to where we were
in the beginning of the year.
And then NOW, you're "forgetting the world"
because you're with someone completely different?
What are you trying to tell me?
Was I no help? Did this week mean NOTHING?
Why were you telling me to think of my own
mental health? Do you realize that YOU'RE the one
ruining it?

I tried to help. I was there for you when she
broke your heart. And 2 days later, it's like
that never happened.
You were so hurt because she kept "stringing
you along." Do you realize you're doing the
EXACT SAME THING TO ME??

I'm actually speechless right now.
I'm so confused and so frustrated.

I just want you out of my life for good.

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 22:08:31 GMT

Your friend went up to my boyfriend and says
"I know he's in love with her" and yet, I know
you're not because you love someone else.
So he's causing more drama for me when I have
enough with my boyfriend already.
And then he and I start fighting AGAIN, and
I'm sick of being called names for stupid things
that aren't my fault. I'm sick of getting blamed
for things I don't do, I'm sick of the lack of trust.
Maybe another day I'll give it a second shot.
But it was just another instance to add to the list,
and I was done.

So I'm single and more alone than ever.
And people can be mad at me for thinking
I made a big mistake. But I do what I want,
and my happiness comes first. Call me selfish,
but I need time to think.
And maybe I'm not happy with it right now,
and I may never be. But I needed a break to figure
out what's gonna make me happy.
And you dumb bitches can pretend like you miss me,
but to be honest-- you've been the worst friends ever.
You've left me out of the loop, you've sent me messages through
other people. You weren't there for me when my cousin passed
away last month, you weren't there for me all summer when
I was breaking down every night. DO NOT expect me to
talk to you or to hang out with you when you have been a
TERRIBLE friend to me. When you can prove you care, I'll
reciprocate.

Landlocked Blues - Bright Eyes

If you walk away, I’ll walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I don’t want to risk our paths crossing some day
So you walk that way, I’ll walk this way

And the future hangs over our heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls all around like a cold steady rain
Just stay in when it’s looking this way

And the moon’s laying low in the sky
Forcing everything metal to shine
And the sidewalk holds diamonds like the jewelry store case
They argue walk this way, no, walk this way

And Laura’s asleep in my bed
As I’m leaving she wakes up and says
“I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
Baby don’t go away, come here”

And there’s kids playing guns in the street
And ones pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up I say “enough is enough,
If you walk away, I’ll walk away”
And he shot me dead

I found a liquid cure
From my landlocked blues
It’ll pass away like a slow parade
It’s leaving but I don’t know how soon

And the world’s got me dizzy again
You think after 22 years I’d be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I’m always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I’m balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
If you love something, give it away

A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended and you may be afraid
But don’t walk away, don’t walk away

We made love on the living room floor
With the noise in the background of a televised war
And in the deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say
“If we walk away, they’ll walk away”

But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedom’s a joke
We’re just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad comic display
If you’re still free start running away
Cause we’re coming for you!

I’ve grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I’m making a deal with the devils of fame
Saying “let me walk away, please”
You’ll be free child once you have died
From the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
Till then walk away, walk away

So I’m up at dawn
Putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I’m leaving but I don’t know where to
I know I’m leaving but I don’t know where to

I messed it up, I missed you

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 14:09:24 GMT

you made it a perfect night :]
i've missed you

But you, you write such pretty words

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 22:57:22 GMT

So 6:42pm on the day of my last post,
there it is: a text.
And you blame me for not talking.
You can pick up a phone too, you know.

And then the next day I get a text,
and suddenly you stop texting back.
And today--nothing again.
I know you say I'm the one playing games,
but you're doing the exact same thing.

I don't want to keep going up and down
on this stupid roller coaster you have me riding.
I'm getting sick to my stomach every time.

And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 21:30:21 GMT

it's been the worst week of my life.
our conversation on Monday may have been the
best we've ever had. And then... nothing.
I thought maybe today I'd say something,
and then this morning held me back.

I don't know what to do or what to say
or why everything's changed.
But when it comes from nowhere, it hurts.
It hurts a lot.
It's all I thought about through my first day of classes,
it's all I could think about last night.
What do I say when I finally see you?
Or are we completely done? Did she set down rules
that you didn't mention?

Seriously, I keep saying I'm done.
But I can't stop beating myself up over it.

This must be karma. But to be honest, I'd trade in
all my friends if it meant you would be my only one.
I've gone through this way too many times before and
I don't wanna do it again.
I want this feeling to go away.

P.S. I think the correct terminology is
"Sorry I haven't been there for you all summer"
not "Sorry we haven't hung out all summer"

I'm all alone, alone in the world, alone

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 03:38:00 GMT

Tonight I check the clock again on my computer.
It says 11:17... I may be reading too much into it,
but it's been happening all week.
I'm glad to know that you'll always be here when
no one else is.
Maybe I do need someone; maybe I do need you.

I've had my heart broken so many times in such
a short period of time by so many people.
It's like everyday this week I've received some
kind of bad news. At first I thought I was just
being dramatic, but it was bad news after bad news
after bad news.

Tonight it happened again. I saw something I never
wanted to see, and the tears came automatically.
And then I look over at my clock and it says 11:17
and I'm like "Is that your way of telling me that
you'll always be here?"
Midnight will make it August 22 -- 8 years to the day.
You know, it never gets easier without you when November
rolls around.

Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this is my bad karma for everytime
I've broken a heart. But I feel like I don't deserve it this bad.

After years of being okay, I'm back to the "alone" feeling.
I don't know if I like it, or if I really can deal with it.
I just wish I had better friends.
My cousin passes away and no one is there to say "hey, I'm sorry.
I'm here if you need me."
I don't want to be friends with people who can't treat me the same.

"This is where I say I've had enough,
and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises
I don't believe I'm getting any better." -- Dashboard Confessional

I will fly, you will see

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 03:16:31 GMT

Today we set a record.
3 in a row.
And I'm done.
No more counting, no more waiting,
no more hoping.

There's no one to run to anymore;
no one to talk to, no one to cry to.
No home to go to.
I've never needed anyone before,
and I don't need anyone now.

Lately, every time I check the time on
my phone it says it's 11:17.
I like to think that's your way of telling me
that someone is looking out for me, someone is
still there for me, someone is still loving me
when I feel like no one else is.
So thank you... I miss you <3

'You can't be my friend if you're not my friend.'- Sport,Harriet the Spy

"Rooftops" - Melissa McLellan
Crouched down on a rooftop
In my mother's high-heeled shoes
I'm wondering if I will drop
Fly away with you

I can smell the rain coming
But I won't leave until it falls
I'm gonna soak in its downpour
Til I hear my mother's calls

Cause I am playing God
I am raising hell
As far as I can tell
I am all alone
Alone in this world
Alone, with you

I carry Spring rain in my hair
Weighted sorrow in perfect clouds
Bursting in the air
Wash away and drown

I am playing God
I am raising hell
As far as I can tell
I am all alone
Alone in this world
Alone, with you

The roof slips beneath my feet
As the branches back away from me
The softest grass turns to concrete
But I will fly
I will fly
You will see

Cause I am playing God
I am raising hell
As far as I can tell
I am all alone
Alone in this world
Alone

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 02:00:10 GMT

just... whatever.

"Train yourself to let go of the things you fear to lose" -George Lucas

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 02:34:52 GMT

Ok today would be 15.
But I need to stop counting because
soon it will be almost every day
when I won't hear from you.
And that's okay too-- I think.

When you told me what was going on,
I was genuinely happy for you,
because you deserve to be happy.
I just don't want to see you hurt.
And it was the most amazing thing
to hear you say that I'm the first one
you'll come to if things don't work out for us.

But I can't help wondering that if, when,
things change, will I really be able to cope?
Will I really be okay with us not seeing each other
every day, because someone else is in the picture?
You say nothing will change, but I'm sure it will.

I'm tired and I don't want to think much anymore,
because I do way too much of that for my own good.

i need a savior

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 21:19:30 GMT

RIP Camille <3
8.16.09

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 22:42:54 GMT

Saturday would've been 14...
except that I didn't care :]

Straight through my heart

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 21:05:56 GMT

I wish I had a place to call "home."
A place to go to when nowhere else felt right.
I think the saddest thing in the world is
to have no home to go to.

If you're going to run your mouth...
be ready to apologize when you find out
you're completely wrong.

New Backstreet Boys single is amazing <3

Survival's my middle name

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 01:59:28 GMT

13... my fave number.

Guess I should erase and rewind

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 04:05:21 GMT

TWELVE am.

i started this game.
you go first.
besides, you could've at least texted
and asked how i was feeling.

In my dreams I see you again

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 16:34:30 GMT

"So I don't hear from you unless I text you first,
is that how this goes lol?"

That text was everything I needed this morning
after a sleepless night of nightmares and tears.
I guess we're playing the same game here, huh?
:]

And now I know, there was no one else.
We're just two stubborn people.

11.17 miss you <3

you're just a page i'll burn from a book

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 03:14:58 GMT

11:11. make a wish.

2 in a row. again.
and i'm not expecting tomorrow to be any different.

"Casanova" - Lights

Cheap words falling out of your teeth
Rolling off your tongue, like candy
He heard, she heard, you heard me once
I won't say it again, now we're just friendly

With a love gone sour, I lost my appetite
There's no more flavour, and talking sweet now
won't fix it somehow

Don't casanova me,
I'm over you
It's over obviously
Don't put your sugar on me
It's too late to sweeten this baby
hey Casanova, it's over

Cheap words like these will rot your teeth
With all the sicky sweet nothings
Your speech is good enough to eat
But it won't fill me up when I am lonely

Don't Casanova me, I'm over you

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 01:07:42 GMT

10.

The nightmares last night made my suspicions even worse.
And not a word just bothers me more.
It bothers me knowing I'm not the one you come to anymore;
and I hate that you broke your promise with someone else.
I hope your weekend was worth it; I hope that person
was worth everything.
Because I'll be okay with it.

"I started crying and I couldn't stop myself.
I started to run but there was no one to run to." - Rob Thomas

Sooner than later I'll need a savior

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 23:46:56 GMT

I don't know if you broke your promise or not.
Something makes me feel that you did;
and it bothers me more than it should and more
than I want it to.

when you're gone, will i lose control?

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:59:03 GMT

11:5NINE
two in a row

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 03:52:38 GMT

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 02:29:03 GMT

Apparently people think I'm making a status or
an away message about them or posting about them
or everyone thinks I'm mad at them or
something always about THEM.
like get over yourselvesssss.
i don't think whatever you say is about me all the time;
so why is everything i say about you?

like ... seriously??

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 02:27:28 GMT

Nobody asked for your opinion or your advice or whatever.
I'll do what I want when I want.
If I'm not happy then something has to change.
I don't need YOU telling me what to do just because
my life is so "good" or SO YOU THINK.

I don't recall asking for people's input on my relationships
with people so shut up.

baby, are you down down down down down?

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 03:30:52 GMT

I'm back to those "I can't turn to any of my
friends for anything, because I feel like I don't have any"
days that I went through most of my teenage life.
Not even my boyfriend helps anymore.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i wish people would grow up
and learn that I'm going to do what I want, no matter what they say.
Besides, I never asked for anyone's opinion, so everyone needs
to shut up about stuff they have no business in.

End rant for tonight.

happy 21 :] so wish i could be there

I thought you said I'd be okay

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 01:53:53 GMT

Well if that new Hannah Montana episode wasn't so appropriate
right now, I don't know what is. And yet, doesn't make anything easier.

P.S. Day number 7. COOL.

P.P.S. "He Could Be the One" Hannah Montana episode -- watch it.
best soundtrack :] and funniest eppy

just as i find my footing...

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 01:58:39 GMT

... and just like that, you come back again.